Way Weight

peach Fanta

It’s time to talk about my weight again.     Ugh.    And as I sit here dreading this topic, what am I doing?       Munching on chips. 

chips    Double ugh.      Drinking peach Fanta.   

peach FantaTriple ugh.

I’ve had this food addiction ALL my life.     Starting when I was 12 months old, and my Mama quit breast feeding me, cuz Granny told her it was time.     And I didn’t want to stop.   I am NOT blaming Mama.    She did as she thought was best for me.      So… thus it began.

And it sucks.    (Oops, unintentional pun there.)

God helped me get sober, praise His name forever!!

But food addiction is the worst, I believe, cuz you literally have to use every day to survive.      How do you get an addiction under control, when you MUST use every day??

Still haven’t figured this one out yet.

I’ve had great success, 5x in my life, losing over 50 lbs.      But: then the WALL.     I hit it at about 6 months, every time.  

And I dive head first into a pan of brownies, and don’t come up for air, until they’re all gone.

It doesn’t even matter what kind of diet, I can’t maintain.      Breast feeding diet, best ever!~   But that ship sailed long ago….   Protein (before it was named Keto); salads and lean proteins, no bread.  Twice for that one.    Last one was GF.

I’ve never done any shakes, oops, yes I did my first year married.   I thought I was overweight at 170.  How foolish I was!      No expensive buy their food diets, for sure.

So where does that leave me now??       346 lbs, and miserable as I can be.

I console myself with the thought, “At least I’m not 386 (My all time highest weight.  How did I even function??).”    But then my conscience adds “Yet.”

My aunts were horrified last Friday when we went shopping.      I can barely walk.    I can barely breathe.     My neck, back, knees, hips hurt so dad gum bad.

I’ve gained 10 lbs in the last 3 months.    And as you can imagine, my Dr. is fit to be tied.     “Just eat 1 brownie a day.    Then tomorrow drink only 8 oz of peach.     And walk every day.”

She doesn’t understand that I CAN”T!!      The older I get, the harder it is.      And I hurt, so I eat as comfort.     Then I gain more weight, and I hurt more, so I eat more.      It’s a vicious death spiral.

I told Sis I was just ready to give up, and be in a wheelchair, and forget about walking at all.     The horror in her voice let me know that’s not a realistic option.

There’s no end to this struggle, no real resolution.      Maybe it’s time for diet pills??       I just don’t know.     I do know that I won’t get bariatic surgery.      Too many complications, and I might die.        IF I can’t control my eating now, how will I be able to control it when I can only eat 1 oz at a time?????

Help…

7 comments

  1. Oh Melinda you are so honest with yourself and us. It’s a nightmare – I can tell. But the one thing you have that does give you a fighting chance is your brutally realistic grip on the situation. You aren’t making excuses or pretending and you don’t know what will happen if you keep on this path. I don’t think many people in your situation are this frank or knowledgeable about what is happening. And yes, the breastfeeding issue would have been utterly overwhelming for a one year old to cope with. Losing the comfort of suckling and the sweetness of the milk would have been unbearable for the little you. Be kind to her when she reaches for a pan of brownies, love her and tell her no. I wish I could help you but the thing is, you ARE capable of healing yourself, you are halfway there Melinda just by understanding yourself so well. You don’t need anyone else to help you. Don’t give up, you are worth more than living in this pain. You just need to give that upset, confused tiny little one year old Melinda some TLC. Childhood has been a very emotionally damaging place for SO many people – time to talk to that inner child and tell her you love her but, she is not in charge of what you eat any more. She just isn’t. Sending you lots of positive vibes across the pond – LIVE Melinda LIVE!!!!!xxx

    1. Thanks, Gilly. You made me cry. Yep, I have a lot from my childhood. Trying to forgive, and get over it is hard. But so worth it! Telling her she’s not in charge of what I eat now is a terrific idea!
      <3, Melinda

  2. Dearest Melinda, you’ve done it before – I remember being astonished by your “before and after” photos! – and you can do it again! I would urge to you to go GF, and not only for weight loss, but for your emotional wellbeing as well. Believe me, it works! I would also suggest that one brownie a day and one peach whatever the next day is silly, since it does not satisfy hunger, thus generating depressive mood, which, in turn, generates craving for food.
    Even though I’ve tried this new diet that I have invented for myself (I will write it up eventually), but it is only a temporary measure. You can’t exist on it for more than a few days, and during those few days you do lose at least 1 lb a day. But the moment you go back to normal (healthy and balanced) regime of eating, you get it all back.
    Perhaps my new prebiotic smoothies will help? They should – they are dedicated to you. https://koolkosherkitchen.wordpress.com/2019/07/15/no-power-stronger-than-love-purple-smoothie-for-purple-person/
    They should in no way replace normal balanced meals, and I am all in favor of lean protein and no carbs. You can do it, girl friend!

    1. Thanks, Dolly, for all the encouragement. Yeah, I can’t do the 1 a day thing. I know GF is what I need to do. I just can’t seem to gear up for it. But I have started on a Wellness program. The first 7 days is to detox your brain, and emotions first. And a tiny bit of exercise. I can do 3 minutes!! I can’t afford to do another diet, and boomerang again. whatever I do now, has to be for life.
      <3 Melinda

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