It’s time to talk about my weight again. Ugh. And as I sit here dreading this topic, what am I doing? Munching on chips.
Double ugh. Drinking peach Fanta.
I’ve had this food addiction ALL my life. Starting when I was 12 months old, and my Mama quit breast feeding me, cuz Granny told her it was time. And I didn’t want to stop. I am NOT blaming Mama. She did as she thought was best for me. So… thus it began.
And it sucks. (Oops, unintentional pun there.)
God helped me get sober, praise His name forever!!
But food addiction is the worst, I believe, cuz you literally have to use every day to survive. How do you get an addiction under control, when you MUST use every day??
Still haven’t figured this one out yet.
I’ve had great success, 5x in my life, losing over 50 lbs. But: then the WALL. I hit it at about 6 months, every time.
And I dive head first into a pan of brownies, and don’t come up for air, until they’re all gone.
It doesn’t even matter what kind of diet, I can’t maintain. Breast feeding diet, best ever!~ But that ship sailed long ago…. Protein (before it was named Keto); salads and lean proteins, no bread. Twice for that one. Last one was GF.
I’ve never done any shakes, oops, yes I did my first year married. I thought I was overweight at 170. How foolish I was! No expensive buy their food diets, for sure.
So where does that leave me now?? 346 lbs, and miserable as I can be.
I console myself with the thought, “At least I’m not 386 (My all time highest weight. How did I even function??).” But then my conscience adds “Yet.”
My aunts were horrified last Friday when we went shopping. I can barely walk. I can barely breathe. My neck, back, knees, hips hurt so dad gum bad.
I’ve gained 10 lbs in the last 3 months. And as you can imagine, my Dr. is fit to be tied. “Just eat 1 brownie a day. Then tomorrow drink only 8 oz of peach. And walk every day.”
She doesn’t understand that I CAN”T!! The older I get, the harder it is. And I hurt, so I eat as comfort. Then I gain more weight, and I hurt more, so I eat more. It’s a vicious death spiral.
I told Sis I was just ready to give up, and be in a wheelchair, and forget about walking at all. The horror in her voice let me know that’s not a realistic option.
There’s no end to this struggle, no real resolution. Maybe it’s time for diet pills?? I just don’t know. I do know that I won’t get bariatic surgery. Too many complications, and I might die. IF I can’t control my eating now, how will I be able to control it when I can only eat 1 oz at a time?????